What it is really like.

What is it really like to be someone who lives with depression, well it sucks.
I have spent a great deal of my life fighting it and fighting the fact that I need to be medicated.

Add to that the stress of being unemployed, living without a car, not having a place to call my own (I live with my sister), and on top of all of that...
My fiancee is disabled and is in debilitating, chronic pain...with me as his sole caregiver.

Some days I feel like Job....the one in the bible stories.

Some days I convince myself that the universe is testing me.

Some days I am even invincible!

But, most days it is just too much and I feel as if I am inside of a poorly written novel.

I cry at the drop of a hat.

I force myself to pick my ass up by my bootstraps and move along.

PUT ON A BRAVE FACE.

Stop acting like a spoiled brat.

Show everyone that you can do this, that you can manage your life and just SMILE DAMN-IT!

Endlessly explaining to people that "No, its not you, it really is me!"

Sometimes there is a disconnect in what I feel and what I am able to express.  I am happy with the people in my life. I love my children and family.  I even love myself most of the time.

Then, there are days like today.

A day in the life of...

I'm so tired lately, although I feel better after being on the Lexapro, I'm still T-I-R-E-D, every time I look forward to just a little time to sit and contemplate the meaning of life, I get busier than usual.  I took today off of work because of some scheduling issues with our one vehicle....I knew today was gonna be a handful, get up early, dropped the cat at the vets to get ...er...clipped, came back home, dropped Jeremy at work, went grocery shopping, came back home brought everything in, took Amie to work and was looking forward to a little Tracy-time.

Well, the baby decided to fall asleep in the car and usually I can get her out and into bed without her waking up.  The wind is blowing a thousand miles an hour so I bundled her up in a blanket and told her to lay her head back down on my shoulder, which she does and I get into the house as fast as possible, and take her into the room and gently lay her down on my bed, take off her jacket, turn the fan on low and ever so sneaky crawl into my side of the bed....

I'm laying there for like 3 seconds, anticipating the sweet bliss of the nothingness-to-come and in the darkness I hear 'mama-mam-amama' and then 'da-dadooo-dadoooo' followed directly to an elbow driven into my throat and a head bash that would make a professional wrestler jealous.

*sigh*

I drag myself back up...well I need to do dishes and all that crap anyways.  as soon as I open the bedroom door, Raelynn bolts out and plunks herself down to watch the wiggles.
I figured since she is busy I will put up some of the trim in the bathroom that I'm redoing...'Whats that?  Mom is doing something that she doesn't need help with? I better get in there to supervise!!!'  

So she follows me, and grabs the toilet paper end and runs as I am holding a piece of trim in place until the glue sets up a bit...tears it into teeny tiny bits...and comes over to check out the glue bottle.   I spend the next 5 minutes hearing eeeeiiiiwwwww, over and over, as she watches the glue drip off the side.
I get a brainy idea and just nail up the next few pieces of trim, brilliant idea on my part I must say, by the time I'm done with it, she has moved on to the baby shampoo....(I will say she has the cleanest hands of any 2 year old I've ever seen.)

I managed to get one load of dishes into the dishwasher, thankfully I had the baby to help take them out while I was trying to put them in, finally shoving a bunch in I poured soap in and turned it on...got supper started so I have more dishes to get done later tonight, it is a good thing I wont be bored!
Picked up a bunch of toys that stayed put away for 3 seconds, she pulled em all back out and is at this very moment ignoring them and playing with a piece of paper and watching wiggles.

SO!!! 

Since tomorrow is my regular day off, I only have to worry about:
pick up the cat from the vet,
wait on the satellite installer guy (sometime between 8 and noon),
get Amie to work,
pick up my paycheck,
go to the bank,
talk to the lawyer, 
do the never ending dishes,
at least one load of laundry,
get the car insurance and tags,
and...
and...
and...

I just can't figure out why I feel so worn out, any ideas?    

Evicted!

I took a nap with the baby today, actually I think I was asleep before she was.  Slept well and got up with a wee bit of energy. 

I decided I would get a few things done around here, changing her messy diaper for starters...eiw...and what thanks do I get for this chore?

I look up and it's snowing outside so I figured I would enjoy it for two minutes and went outside to smoke and make sure the dog and cat have food and water and that the dog hasn't dragged his blanket out again.  I told RaeLynn to look out the window while I did this and as I came back up the steps and turned the doorknob, nothing happens.
That little stinker locked me out!

Um, what to do now?  I rattled the knob just to make sure I wasn't mistaken somehow....nope, still locked.  Then I hear RaeLynn on the other side rattling the doorknob and whining and then starts calling the cat a bad cat.  
I told her politely that Jiji wasn't the bad one...then proceeded to try to get her to turn the button.  Alas!  I hear the button being turned...the wrong way evidently because I was still on the outside.

I checked next door and the landlord is home so I headed down there in the snow/rain and let them know I've been evicted by my 2 year old.  Luckily they had an extra key and when I unlocked the door and opened it, RaeLynn was standing there with her bear, blanket, and her set of plastic keys.

Kids.

I Forgot How To Life!

I have always been stubborn.  I have ranged from pigheadedness to self preservation to ignorance of a situation.

Looking back, I can see periods of my life that I wasn't really living my life.  I was being dragged along by it. I gave up control because it seemed easier, because I didn't know what to do, because I was paralyzed by fear, because of a hundred different reasons.

I find myself in a difficult part of my life once again but instead of being dragged along by life, I am finding that it is a little easier to trudge along.
Keep going and things will get better, there are plenty of ups in life to go along with the downs!

It's time for a little higher thinking.

I was going through some of my old writings and found this.  It was at the beginning of my journey to a healthier life. Since then, I have dropped about 40 pounds and STILL have to remind myself daily of where I am and where I want to be.  I would like to point out that I no longer cry when shopping for clothes (usually)!

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered
“Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” 

I heard this while watching a yoga documentary and it really hit home. Something keeps reminding me of this every so often. 

I used to enjoy the small things in life, camping, walking or riding my bike on the miles of trails in the state park near where I grew up, hell, just sitting outside under a tree on a nice day or watching a thunderstorm moving in. 

Little by little, I lost all those little enjoyments, there just never seemed to be time because I always think that if I am not out making money, if I am not working my ass off, not being productive or helping someone, then I must not be worth anything. 

The worst part is that even though I AM doing all those things, I let my weight, health, and enjoyment sit by the wayside until I am to the place I am in now. 

It's time for change.

Stacking Trash....The Home Game!!!!!!!

The object being to stack it as high and unsteady as you can until the next sucker walks by it and without even touching the damn thing, makes the whole contraption fall over.

Extra points are earned if you can pick up whatever fell off and balance it back on top of the pile and get away before it falls back off…

Points are lost for yelling the phrase ‘stacking trash is NOT a form of art!’ and bagging it all up and taking it outside…in which case I am at about a negative 174583528475469800111 points!

I guess I will also gain my negative points next time I change the roll of toilet paper…