The inner me, the outer me.

It took me a year and a half to take off 36 pounds. Most of my loss was in the second half of 2012 and I maintained my weight for quite a bit of 2013. The second half of 2013 was a doozy though. 
We had a LOT to deal with and I put on a few pounds in September and October...and then in November, I put on ELEVEN pounds. Eleven pounds in a month. 
After a LOT of getting into my own head and getting out of my own way, I think I have managed to pull myself part of the way onto the track that I want to be on. 
The inner me is still waiting for my insurance card so I can go see a doctor about getting some help with my depression. 

I am slowly getting my nutrition back on track, I am trying to remember portion size at each meal. It sounds silly to me to say that I forget, but I think I get caught up in eating and I don't think about it...especially at night. If I am going to have a downfall, it is usually dinnertime. 
I ended the holiday season with gaining 2 pounds; this wouldn't be a terrible thing except that puts my gain up to 20 pounds this year....not even this year, since September. 

The outer me has been very busy with all the holiday gatherings and general hoopla. I haven't been getting much exercise per se, but I have been very busy and feeling very worn out. I haven't been home with my family in several years and am not used to all the excitement, so its been a bit taxing...but in a good way! 
I finally bit the bullet and bought a pair of boots so I can go walk outside in the wintertime...unfortunately, we were just dumped on with about 14 inches of snow and the temp today was -50 with the wind chill! 
So needless to say, I will be waiting for the temp to get back up to above zero, lol! 
The roads have been terrible as well, the plows weren't able to keep up so walking on the roads is out of the question and the sidewalks are buried with not only the snowfall, but also what was plowed off of the roads. 

I am also still waiting for my work schedule, its really frustrating to know that I have a job but don't have a clue of when I will be starting! Patience is NOT my strong suit! 
The good news is that I will definitely be more active once I start. My sister will be giving me a ride to the bus in the mornings while it is so cold out and I will either get a ride home from her or take a cab, but once it warms up a bit...you know ABOVE 0, I can walk the mile to the bus stop and home. 

Since I am being nice to myself and trying to only take one day at a time...today, I am doing ok and feeling pretty hopeful. 

Food=Love=Food?

There was a commercial I saw on t.v. a couple of months ago, and it bugged the heck out of me every time it was on and every time I think about it...it was Nestle Tollhouse. 
The commercial opens with a teenage girl mooning over a picture of a boy and asks 'Can you heal a broken heart with a bundt cake? Of course you can!' As it shows the loving mother bringing in a slice of cake topped with chocolate chips. 

Please don't misunderstand me, I know they are just advertising their product in the quest for the almighty dollar, but I find that the older I get, the more I hate the mainstream media. Actually, I hate a lot of things, the MSM, GMO, big business, and the DMV....but I digress....back on topic! 

I had just about suppressed that t.v. commercial from my memory and something happened today that brought it back to the front of my mind. 
My nephew is off school for the holiday break, and in order to keep the peace in the house, I have just been staying out of his way. A quick note, he doesn't call me 'Aunt' either because he is a pain in the butt teenager, or because he is 17 and thinks that is not how adults address each other, this point comes into my story soon.... 

He was watching something on t.v. in the living room when I got up and on my sister's laptop...which is usually my morning routine, lol. I just made breakfast and came back downstairs and watched my morning news and Rachel Ray show on the tv that HE usually uses in the den since my beau was still asleep in our room. When he decided to come downstairs and gave me a 'look' for 'being in his spot' I just went upstairs. A bit later he came up and made himself breakfast, a few eggs and a few slices of toast. 
As soon as he was done, I cleaned up the kitchen and made a quick stirfry for my lunch. It was nothing fancy, but I have been experimenting with stirfry for awhile now and it did smell good. Needless to say, he is a 17 year old boy and has the bottomless pit stomach to go with it, he came upstairs and asks what I'm making and starts stirring things around in my pan...which irks me to no end, but I am playing nice! Even though he just ate, he is ready to eat again and asked if he could have some, when I told him 'Sure.' He was all like 'Oh Aunt Tracy, this is so good!' And he proceeded to be quite polite to me the rest of the day. He doesn't get like that when I make dinner, maybe its because when I make dinner, its a regular evening (I am usually the one who makes supper because my sister and bro in law work so many hours). I think that because he had already eaten, he didn't think I would share it. 
All of a sudden, that stupid commercial was back in my head! 

I always thought that it was something in my upbringing...dad didn't have a lot of money, so snacks and treats were always reserved for super special occasions. Even my favorite Christmas memory has to do with a treat....Grandpa sitting with me in front of the fireplace helping me roast a perfect marshmallow. Even to this day, I cannot eat a burnt marshmallow, I would rather skip the treat all together than eat a marshmallow that was on fire. 

I think that eating / being fed has been equal to being cared for since the dawn of man. I just bet that the cavemen that got the cavewoman was the one who was able to secure the food. 
Like any other animal on earth, at a primal level, the number one priority is to pass on your genes. If your mate UggaBugga doesn't bring home a dinosaur steak every so often...or if UggaBugga turns into the eat-EE instead of the eat-ER, his genes go nowhere. Even now, its like a mating ritual, every species has one. In this day and age, at least in my part of the world, if someone asks a person out on a date, isn't it going out to dinner? Maybe I am making a generalization, but you get my drift.... 
Eons later the survival of the fittest has evolved into the survival of the fattest, and by surviving I mean trying to get thin again! 

Why is it that the first thing I do if I am planning to have someone visiting my home is to plan what I will make for them. And its not like I plan simple things, I really feel like I am showing that I care by making a nice meal. 
I don't know if everyone's life seems centered around food (by everyone, I mean people that are and always have been thin), is this even something that I can overcome? Will I ever 'be better'? 

On grieving.

The common stages of grief are;

1.     Denial.

2.     Anger.

3.     Bargaining.

4.     Depression.

5.     Acceptance.

Just thought I would recap those.  I've been through them all over the last 7 years. 

I guess I shouldn't say that I have been through them, I've been through, around, over, under, and back and forth and through them over and over until I was tied in knots.

1. Denial

I was so confused, I didn't understand the words.  

My step-dad is the one who told me about my dad.  I didn't have a phone at the time and my sister called my mom who sent my step-dad out to my house.  I heard 'Chuck', I heard 'Heart Attack'...and totally expected to hear 'He is in NIMC Hospital'  

But that is not what he said.  All I could ask was 'What?'  I truly didn't understand what came out of his mouth.

He repeated it and everything went fuzzy and crystal clear at the same time, all I remember saying was 'No.'  

And then it hit and I felt lost; I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hear, and my knees let go.  I wanted nothing more than to just sit down and wait for...well, for what, I don't really know.  

I never did find the ground, my step-dad didn't let me fall and our roommate, Paula, came out of the house just then and between the two of them, I was back in the house and Paula was calling my husband at work.

2. Anger

I've always had a hard time expressing anger.  I can be cranky, whiny, frustrated, and even downright bitchy at times.  But real, honest, anger...is hard for me.  

I was mad about so many things.  

I was mad at my dad for leaving me.  

I was mad at God for taking him away. 

I was mad that I was still here.  

I was mad at the nightmares and the good dreams alike. 

I was mad because my heart hurt and I didn't know what to do to help it.  

I was mad at being helpless!

Out of all the stages...Anger is the one I revisit second most often.  Some days I just want to  get a bat and find an old brick wall and just scream and beat the wall until my arms fall off and my voice goes.  Why I don't do just that and get it all out is beyond me.  Maybe not so far beyond me...I don't do it because it scares me.  I'm afraid that if I let go, I won't be able to come back, I'm afraid my mind will break.  

So I don't.

3. Bargaining.

I didn't bargain too much.  I felt like I had nothing to bargain with.  I had months and months of just pleading for it all to stop.  For everything to go back how it was.  For someone, anyone, to fix this mistake that had been made.  I know that my mind changed. I lived through great amounts of stress before, but this changed me and I didn't like it.  I would have given a nameless 'anything' for it to be alright again.

4. Depression.

This is where I have spent a good deal of my life.  I can remember as far back as 4th or 5th grade, a friend of mine, Kathy, trying to help me.  We would be outside at recess and she would get me to walk around with her and keep my chin up...to actually look at the other kids.  It is an everyday struggle to try and keep afloat.

Its hard to say whether losing dad worsened my depression or just changed the focus of it.  

My family was hundreds of miles away.  Everyone was arguing about...well, everything.  I felt a lot of pressure on me to try and keep in touch and support everyone.  It didn't last too long, I just couldn't keep up and I felt somewhat left out of the support loop.  

When I brought this to someones attention in my family who should have offered support, I was told in no uncertain terms that I should find my own help and locate a support group in my area.

I actually did try just that.  I was unsuccessful.  Whether it be my location or the change in my mind, I don't know.  It got to the point that I was having panic attacks and thinking of self harm again.  It scared me enough to get me back to the doctor and as for antidepressants again...At this point, I had been off of them for a few years.  

There were so many things to deal with in my life that everything seemed to snowball and everything that happened changed something else.  

I felt as though I were drowning and had nothing to cling to.

As of now, I am again antidepressant-free.  I try to deal with things as they come.  I tend to talk about what is bothering me sooner rather than later.  And I try to keep a watch on what I know are my signs of backsliding.  

5. Acceptance.

This came very slowly.  I was also slow to realize it as well.  I think I finally realized it when, one day while grocery shopping, I was at the seafood counter and the girl behind the counter was polite as per her usual demeanor and after she finished with my order, I wished her a good weekend.  

Something crossed her face and she said that she would try, but was having a rough time over the last 2 months.  She lost her dad two months before and said she didn't know how to get her life back together.  I found myself telling her that it wouldn't be the same and that she wouldn't get over it...not really over it, but it would be easier to bear.  I promised her.

And it does.

I promise.

A day in the life of...

I'm so tired lately, although I feel better after being on the Lexapro, I'm still T-I-R-E-D, every time I look forward to just a little time to sit and contemplate the meaning of life, I get busier than usual.  I took today off of work because of some scheduling issues with our one vehicle....I knew today was gonna be a handful, get up early, dropped the cat at the vets to get ...er...clipped, came back home, dropped Jeremy at work, went grocery shopping, came back home brought everything in, took Amie to work and was looking forward to a little Tracy-time.

Well, the baby decided to fall asleep in the car and usually I can get her out and into bed without her waking up.  The wind is blowing a thousand miles an hour so I bundled her up in a blanket and told her to lay her head back down on my shoulder, which she does and I get into the house as fast as possible, and take her into the room and gently lay her down on my bed, take off her jacket, turn the fan on low and ever so sneaky crawl into my side of the bed....

I'm laying there for like 3 seconds, anticipating the sweet bliss of the nothingness-to-come and in the darkness I hear 'mama-mam-amama' and then 'da-dadooo-dadoooo' followed directly to an elbow driven into my throat and a head bash that would make a professional wrestler jealous.

*sigh*

I drag myself back up...well I need to do dishes and all that crap anyways.  as soon as I open the bedroom door, Raelynn bolts out and plunks herself down to watch the wiggles.
I figured since she is busy I will put up some of the trim in the bathroom that I'm redoing...'Whats that?  Mom is doing something that she doesn't need help with? I better get in there to supervise!!!'  

So she follows me, and grabs the toilet paper end and runs as I am holding a piece of trim in place until the glue sets up a bit...tears it into teeny tiny bits...and comes over to check out the glue bottle.   I spend the next 5 minutes hearing eeeeiiiiwwwww, over and over, as she watches the glue drip off the side.
I get a brainy idea and just nail up the next few pieces of trim, brilliant idea on my part I must say, by the time I'm done with it, she has moved on to the baby shampoo....(I will say she has the cleanest hands of any 2 year old I've ever seen.)

I managed to get one load of dishes into the dishwasher, thankfully I had the baby to help take them out while I was trying to put them in, finally shoving a bunch in I poured soap in and turned it on...got supper started so I have more dishes to get done later tonight, it is a good thing I wont be bored!
Picked up a bunch of toys that stayed put away for 3 seconds, she pulled em all back out and is at this very moment ignoring them and playing with a piece of paper and watching wiggles.

SO!!! 

Since tomorrow is my regular day off, I only have to worry about:
pick up the cat from the vet,
wait on the satellite installer guy (sometime between 8 and noon),
get Amie to work,
pick up my paycheck,
go to the bank,
talk to the lawyer, 
do the never ending dishes,
at least one load of laundry,
get the car insurance and tags,
and...
and...
and...

I just can't figure out why I feel so worn out, any ideas?    

50 years together

My Grandparents celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary in 1990.  The celebration went great, I was immensely pregnant with my second child and the only dance I danced was with my dad.

I'm sure everyone knows by now that my dad has been gone for a couple years now and I'm still getting some of his stuff in dribs and drabs…I guess my stepmother doesn't get the concept of ripping a band-aid off all at once and must drag it out over years…but more on that later.

Anyways, getting to the point…she found the speech that was written for the anniversary party…so long ago and when everyone was still around and still speaking to each other.

This is as written by my aunts, my uncle, and dad too...a bit long but I really enjoyed being taken back again.

~~~~

The place is Chicago, the year was 1940 and Charles Earl Hueckstaedt decides its time to take a bride, and after knowing her only 3 months, Alma LaNora Beach became Mrs. Hueckstaedt.

Within a year they start a family, its ok…we've all counted…they didn't HAVE to.  By the late 40's they decide its time to raise the family in a better place.  After moving to McHenry they had 3 homes. They must have liked the neighborhood, because they were all within 2 blocks of each other.

By the mid 50's, their lives were complete with 4 kids, one who sang 'Goodnight Irene' on the toilet in the middle of the night (Dutch), 3 dogs with the same names, (it was less confusing that way), and that's why we all got our own names….right Dutch…a cat that would scratch your eyes out if you pulled its tail, and a floor furnace you had to dance over in the winter.

Our parents exposed us to such food delicacies as fried noodles for breakfast, spaghetti that Cherie was always blamed for flipping to get that strange orange spot pattern on the ceiling, and Rusty's favorite red and green oatmeal cookies for Christmas.

Always safety around the house too, from Dutch getting his arm caught in the ringer washing machine, to Michael, the eldest grandchild, sailing across the living room into the unlit fireplace, or Dad showing Rusty how to make a nest of hornets mad while standing on a ladder.  Dutch also got his nose caught in the refrigerator door while trying to watch the light go out, and Laurie's famous haircutting technique with a rubber band—yeah that will make it straight.  Always safety first, when Dad was showing someone how the safety on a gun worked and a bullet went through the kitchen floor almost hitting the deepfreeze in the basement.

Our home for more than 30 years on Southside Avenue took on some drastic changes too, such as the removal of the foxtrot furnace grate (cha-cha-cha).  The crawlspace changed into a family room that you could stand in comfortably.  From a single car garage that was so rickety that it might fall from a slight breeze to the mid 60's addition of a 2 car garage and a driveway of dust changed to one of concrete.  

The living room doubled in size, the kitchen tripled and the addition of another bedroom.  The yard that was over populated with trees was turned into somewhat of a showplace with a sculptured lawn and many flowerbeds.

Mother/Daughter relationships are made of special moments.  Like finally deciding you're old enough to tell your mother an off color joke while eating pistachio nut ice cream at 3am at a tollway oasis.

Yes!  We were a modern family; we went from one phone in the hallway to having one in almost every room.  Because you can never make everyone happy, we had two and sometimes 3 tv's , one of which came with a box of Kleenex because Rusty would cry every time The Lassie Show was over.

Our father also taught us the trick of sleeping on the floor while pretending to watch tv…or just 'resting my eyes.'

Dad had quite the body of fitness.  He was able to jump a 6 foot fence to protect Laurie from being chewed on by a dog and swim underwater to fight off killer seaweed.  And because he always refused to wear a belt, many times his pants would fall down showing off his firm buttocks.

Mom also had unbelievable powers, only 4'11, she was able to get in the middle of Dutch and Rusty while fighting to push them apart. Another time while Dutch and Rusty were fighting, they were able to manage blowing up the tv.  She also had the ability to stay awake until we all came home, no matter what the hour.

The 60's and 70's brought grandchildren…10 of them to be exact.  I don't remember if dad actually had the 'birds and bees' talk with us, but I do remember how both of them avoided the subject.  I do remember one time while in the store with mom, I asked her what those boxes were that were labeled K-O-T-E-X, she said 'ask your father', so I assumed it was none of my business.  Dad, on the other hand, told the story to me by taking me to watch our German shepherd 'rook' to get mated and the miracle of birth came a few months later, March 19, 1968 to be exact, when the puppies were born.  It didn't seem too bad; no screaming in pain or calling the father obscene names, the mother eating the placenta…boy, isn't that realistic.

The 80's brought great grandchildren and the search for that perfect retirement spot.  Well, in 1984, The Hueckstaedt's decide to relocate to a warmer, drier climate.  After all those years of battling snow storms and lawn care, they move to Chino Valley, Arizona where there is no lawn to care for and the winters are shorter and less severe.

The new home took on some drastic changes, adding more rooms and another attached garage; they have 2 bathrooms, making us all feel cheated, all those years on Southside having to share just one. But they don't have a concrete driveway—YET!

Cactus beds instead of flower beds decorate the yard and a cow skull welcomes you to the residence.  The have 2 tv's because they still can't agree on what show to watch.  There is still a phone in every room, including one of the bathrooms.

I guess they will watch Chino Valley grow the way they watched McHenry grow for those many years on Southside Avenue, where most of their memories still remain.

Evicted!

I took a nap with the baby today, actually I think I was asleep before she was.  Slept well and got up with a wee bit of energy. 

I decided I would get a few things done around here, changing her messy diaper for starters...eiw...and what thanks do I get for this chore?

I look up and it's snowing outside so I figured I would enjoy it for two minutes and went outside to smoke and make sure the dog and cat have food and water and that the dog hasn't dragged his blanket out again.  I told RaeLynn to look out the window while I did this and as I came back up the steps and turned the doorknob, nothing happens.
That little stinker locked me out!

Um, what to do now?  I rattled the knob just to make sure I wasn't mistaken somehow....nope, still locked.  Then I hear RaeLynn on the other side rattling the doorknob and whining and then starts calling the cat a bad cat.  
I told her politely that Jiji wasn't the bad one...then proceeded to try to get her to turn the button.  Alas!  I hear the button being turned...the wrong way evidently because I was still on the outside.

I checked next door and the landlord is home so I headed down there in the snow/rain and let them know I've been evicted by my 2 year old.  Luckily they had an extra key and when I unlocked the door and opened it, RaeLynn was standing there with her bear, blanket, and her set of plastic keys.

Kids.