The one where I am supposed to say "I'm Gonna..."

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna.... 
Wait. 
I am not going to start changing tomorrow. What's wrong with today, or with a few days ago which is actually when I started making the changes that I want to carry over into the new year. 

EVERYONE in my family made ham for holiday dinner, we had ham on Christmas Eve here at home, on Christmas day my aunt made ham and (oddly enough) fried catfish...not sure when she started that tradition, lol! We also went to my older sister's on Saturday and SHE made a ham as well! 
If I don't see another ham for 6 months I will be perfectly fine with that! 

I am still craving salads at home, especially after nibbles here and there of all the holiday food that has been around, I just want something lighter and my tummy is having all sorts of troubles. I think the tummy troubles are from the increased amount of sugars that I have been eating. I usually only have sugar in my coffee in the mornings, but like I said before, a cookie here and there and a sweet there and here....you get the idea. 

The problem with craving salads in the winter is that nothing is tasting right to me, even though they grow all of the out of season items either in greenhouses or import them from somewhere, they just aren't as good when they are out of season. Maybe its just an idea that got into my head, or maybe they REALLY aren't as yummy, but either way...they don't seem to be as tasty. 
My salad solution is to go to the fresh market up the road, they have a great salad bar there. Maybe its because its organic, or maybe its because grocery stores have better vegetable storage methods, I don't know, but I have been stopping by there every couple of days and making a salad. Prices aren't too bad either, it ends up about 5.00 for a salad that will last me for 2 meals if I pair it with soup or a slice of bread. (They also have a great soup bar!) 
The salad bar is also nice because I can add grapes on the side and since it is super fresh, I don't need any dressing at all with it....none, high fat, low fat, or otherwise...none! 

Yesterday was my beau's 45th birthday. He has been having a hard time since his mom passed, all the 'firsts' are getting to him so I have been trying hard to make things extra nice. We went out for lunch on Sunday, just the two of us, and then went to see The Hobbit. We stopped and got a salad and soup on the way home. My sister also insists that we all get to go out to eat for birthdays but we elected to just stay in and we ordered pizza to be delivered and she also got him a cake for after dinner. 
I had to go with to pick out a cake for him because he is allergic to coconut products, chocolate cake is his favorite, and most chocolate items contain coconut oil. We picked out a fudge layer cake and everyone ate a small slice ...it was tooth numbingly sweet! 


I got my new baby fix on Saturday as I got to meet my new nephew. He is such a good baby and put up with myself and my brother's fiancee fussing with him, it was the first time she got to see him too, there is nothing like that new baby smell. Funny thing is that my niece cannot figure out what all of us old ladies are talking about when we talk about the new baby smell...she said she just smells a clean person, we tried explaining that its not a clean smell, its a NEW smell! Just like guys dig the new car smell I guess! 
He doesn't have much hair, but what he does have is red, more of a strawberry blond, not surprising since there are quite a few gingers in my family. It might change though, my youngest daughter was the same when she was born but is very blond now. 


Call a cab tonight if you have the need, there are many companies offering free rides to those who may have celebrated a bit too hard. 
Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve. 
Take care and love yourself! 

Food=Love=Food?

There was a commercial I saw on t.v. a couple of months ago, and it bugged the heck out of me every time it was on and every time I think about it...it was Nestle Tollhouse. 
The commercial opens with a teenage girl mooning over a picture of a boy and asks 'Can you heal a broken heart with a bundt cake? Of course you can!' As it shows the loving mother bringing in a slice of cake topped with chocolate chips. 

Please don't misunderstand me, I know they are just advertising their product in the quest for the almighty dollar, but I find that the older I get, the more I hate the mainstream media. Actually, I hate a lot of things, the MSM, GMO, big business, and the DMV....but I digress....back on topic! 

I had just about suppressed that t.v. commercial from my memory and something happened today that brought it back to the front of my mind. 
My nephew is off school for the holiday break, and in order to keep the peace in the house, I have just been staying out of his way. A quick note, he doesn't call me 'Aunt' either because he is a pain in the butt teenager, or because he is 17 and thinks that is not how adults address each other, this point comes into my story soon.... 

He was watching something on t.v. in the living room when I got up and on my sister's laptop...which is usually my morning routine, lol. I just made breakfast and came back downstairs and watched my morning news and Rachel Ray show on the tv that HE usually uses in the den since my beau was still asleep in our room. When he decided to come downstairs and gave me a 'look' for 'being in his spot' I just went upstairs. A bit later he came up and made himself breakfast, a few eggs and a few slices of toast. 
As soon as he was done, I cleaned up the kitchen and made a quick stirfry for my lunch. It was nothing fancy, but I have been experimenting with stirfry for awhile now and it did smell good. Needless to say, he is a 17 year old boy and has the bottomless pit stomach to go with it, he came upstairs and asks what I'm making and starts stirring things around in my pan...which irks me to no end, but I am playing nice! Even though he just ate, he is ready to eat again and asked if he could have some, when I told him 'Sure.' He was all like 'Oh Aunt Tracy, this is so good!' And he proceeded to be quite polite to me the rest of the day. He doesn't get like that when I make dinner, maybe its because when I make dinner, its a regular evening (I am usually the one who makes supper because my sister and bro in law work so many hours). I think that because he had already eaten, he didn't think I would share it. 
All of a sudden, that stupid commercial was back in my head! 

I always thought that it was something in my upbringing...dad didn't have a lot of money, so snacks and treats were always reserved for super special occasions. Even my favorite Christmas memory has to do with a treat....Grandpa sitting with me in front of the fireplace helping me roast a perfect marshmallow. Even to this day, I cannot eat a burnt marshmallow, I would rather skip the treat all together than eat a marshmallow that was on fire. 

I think that eating / being fed has been equal to being cared for since the dawn of man. I just bet that the cavemen that got the cavewoman was the one who was able to secure the food. 
Like any other animal on earth, at a primal level, the number one priority is to pass on your genes. If your mate UggaBugga doesn't bring home a dinosaur steak every so often...or if UggaBugga turns into the eat-EE instead of the eat-ER, his genes go nowhere. Even now, its like a mating ritual, every species has one. In this day and age, at least in my part of the world, if someone asks a person out on a date, isn't it going out to dinner? Maybe I am making a generalization, but you get my drift.... 
Eons later the survival of the fittest has evolved into the survival of the fattest, and by surviving I mean trying to get thin again! 

Why is it that the first thing I do if I am planning to have someone visiting my home is to plan what I will make for them. And its not like I plan simple things, I really feel like I am showing that I care by making a nice meal. 
I don't know if everyone's life seems centered around food (by everyone, I mean people that are and always have been thin), is this even something that I can overcome? Will I ever 'be better'? 

Changes

So, I have had a few surprises over the last couple of days.... 

One thing is that something in me has relaxed a bit over the last few weeks. I have spent a long time floundering in my faith since my dad passed away in 2006. I have felt so lost and angry, but something in me seems to be healing and I have been feeling markedly better in that area. 

My weight loss is still stalled, but I am making those beginner changes to my diet again and as soon as I start working, I will be getting all sorts of walking to and from the bus stop...in the snow even! 

On the 12th, I finally got a job. It is part time, but better than nothing. Being part time, I won't be any different financially, but it is a permanent position, not just for the holiday, and considering that my unemployment runs out on the 30th....it helps my stress level immensely! 
My new position is at Legoland Discovery Center. I will be starting out in the store and will be able to move into other positions in the company later on. 
I went to get my drug test and background check today....and when I woke up it was snowing...a LOT. Today was also the first time in 13 years that I have driven in the snow! Its really not so much me that I worry about, its other people on the road really. We made it home in one piece so that's a good thing, haha. 

Also on the 12th...my new great-nephew was born! 
My niece posted on Facebook that her back hurt and I KNEW this was it! She was in labor for 12.5 hours. She was adamant NOT to have an epidural....all the way up until the contractions started, lol, my sister said poor thing was climbing the walls in pain. So she got her epidural and is fine. 
Baby J is fine too, he was 8 lbs 1.5 ounces and 20 inches long. He had a bit of trouble and they didn't get discharged from the hospital until today...he wouldn't pee. They finally put in a catheter and got some urine but he didn't go after that either. They did an ultrasound to check everything but couldn't find anything. They were going to discharge my niece and came to take the baby to the nursery (at which point my niece flipped out because he 'was going to be alone') and the baby peed all over my niece! 

They are now home and her hubby has to go to work tomorrow so she is kinda nervous but I know everything will be ok. 
I won't be able to get out there to see them until maybe next weekend (depending on the weather) and just can't wait! 

Eating sharks does NOT prevent cancer! Go figure!!!!

I came across THIS news article today and was astounded by some of the comments.  (I am helpless against reading the comment section!)
As per usual, there were people who agreed with the article, there were those who picked at the grammar and spelling, the religious people voiced their opinions, and then the conspiracy theorists showed up!

I rarely leave comments on articles and it is even more rare that I reply directly to someone's comments, and then this gem showed up....
"who can say that these so called researchers are not giving these animals this cancer 
to scare people and keep them from eating shark fin soup. and direct them to get the super expensive cancer drugs that only rich people can afford some people eats shark cause they like it and others because they think they'll get a health benefit ."
I couldn't NOT reply!

I had a couple of angelfish in my aquarium...one had a tumor on its lip and the other did not, I had both of these fish from the time they were tiny and I can assure you that I did not give my fish cancer.

Some people may like the taste of shark soup, but its not the people who utilize the entire animal that are decimating the species.
I am not sure which species of shark is primarily used in soup, all I can find is 'various types'  So I used the blacktip shark for reference....
Average weight is around 40 pounds for a mature animal.  This is including the jaw and organs, which are also able to be utilized.
If I went to the store and bought a 40 pound fish, lets assume that 25 pounds of that is meat, that comes to 400 ounces.  
My fiancee and I eat maybe 5 ounces of protein per meal.  
This would put us at 80-ish meal per shark.

80 or more meals per entire animal used versus a pot of shark fin soup....You do the math and see which would decimate a species.

Not everyone is out to get you.

Off on a binge

I can't really pinpoint any one thing that triggered my reaction over the last few weeks. I have never been a binge type person. I was always more of a boredom grazer. Over the last 3 months my weight bounced up and down, I just kept re-losing the same weight. 

Over the last 3 weeks, something changed. I have been on a non-stop eating binge...in the neighborhood of 2500-3000 calories a day. 
I'm not really sure of the calorie amount because I haven't tracked anything. I got the estimate a few days ago by putting in everything I ate the day before into a calorie tracker. It came to just under 2800 calories. 
Thanksgiving day was actually a good calorie day for me...oddly enough, the 'big eating' days have never really been a problem for me, its just the rest of the year that is the problem. 

I still weigh myself every few days.  I put on 17 pounds in 3 months...most of it, 11 pounds, was within the last month or so. I un-did a year and a half's worth of work by half in such a short time. 

I could name off a thousand reasons why I am out of control, I've been unemployed for 5 months now, I have no transportation of my own, my beau has been in a lot of pain lately and we have been doing nothing but snapping at each other...I am really doubting that I can handle taking care of him much longer because of my depression. My depression has been FIERCE lately. 

To top everything off, my beau forgot my birthday a few days ago. I know he is in a lot of pain every single day, but it still hurt. I'm just trying not to think about it too much, I'm not 5 years old anymore. I just had this stupid idea that since I was going to be 42 (well, I am 42 now), that I was going to be the answer to the universe...silly movie reference, but for some reason I thought that something special was going to happen.  The only thing that happened was another uncomfortable phone call with my mother.

I had issues with self injury years ago and I am wondering if this isn't a new way to hurt myself without actually 'hurting' myself. I desperately need to be back on medication, I am just tired of fighting my mind all of the time.   I have been fighting with my depression since grade school.

I don't have insurance until January 1...then I will have insurance and get myself back on medication.  

Less than a month to go.