Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Off on a binge

I can't really pinpoint any one thing that triggered my reaction over the last few weeks. I have never been a binge type person. I was always more of a boredom grazer. Over the last 3 months my weight bounced up and down, I just kept re-losing the same weight. 

Over the last 3 weeks, something changed. I have been on a non-stop eating the neighborhood of 2500-3000 calories a day. 
I'm not really sure of the calorie amount because I haven't tracked anything. I got the estimate a few days ago by putting in everything I ate the day before into a calorie tracker. It came to just under 2800 calories. 
Thanksgiving day was actually a good calorie day for me...oddly enough, the 'big eating' days have never really been a problem for me, its just the rest of the year that is the problem. 

I still weigh myself every few days.  I put on 17 pounds in 3 months...most of it, 11 pounds, was within the last month or so. I un-did a year and a half's worth of work by half in such a short time. 

I could name off a thousand reasons why I am out of control, I've been unemployed for 5 months now, I have no transportation of my own, my beau has been in a lot of pain lately and we have been doing nothing but snapping at each other...I am really doubting that I can handle taking care of him much longer because of my depression. My depression has been FIERCE lately. 

To top everything off, my beau forgot my birthday a few days ago. I know he is in a lot of pain every single day, but it still hurt. I'm just trying not to think about it too much, I'm not 5 years old anymore. I just had this stupid idea that since I was going to be 42 (well, I am 42 now), that I was going to be the answer to the universe...silly movie reference, but for some reason I thought that something special was going to happen.  The only thing that happened was another uncomfortable phone call with my mother.

I had issues with self injury years ago and I am wondering if this isn't a new way to hurt myself without actually 'hurting' myself. I desperately need to be back on medication, I am just tired of fighting my mind all of the time.   I have been fighting with my depression since grade school.

I don't have insurance until January 1...then I will have insurance and get myself back on medication.  

Less than a month to go.

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