What it is really like.

What is it really like to be someone who lives with depression, well it sucks.
I have spent a great deal of my life fighting it and fighting the fact that I need to be medicated.

Add to that the stress of being unemployed, living without a car, not having a place to call my own (I live with my sister), and on top of all of that...
My fiancee is disabled and is in debilitating, chronic pain...with me as his sole caregiver.

Some days I feel like Job....the one in the bible stories.

Some days I convince myself that the universe is testing me.

Some days I am even invincible!

But, most days it is just too much and I feel as if I am inside of a poorly written novel.

I cry at the drop of a hat.

I force myself to pick my ass up by my bootstraps and move along.

PUT ON A BRAVE FACE.

Stop acting like a spoiled brat.

Show everyone that you can do this, that you can manage your life and just SMILE DAMN-IT!

Endlessly explaining to people that "No, its not you, it really is me!"

Sometimes there is a disconnect in what I feel and what I am able to express.  I am happy with the people in my life. I love my children and family.  I even love myself most of the time.

Then, there are days like today.