Friday, November 15, 2013


I have only told one other person in my life about this (my fiancee).  I am lost.  Spiritually.
I grew up in the Methodist church, was baptized Catholic, and saved Southern Baptist.  One would think that I have a pretty good handle on my faith....and I used to think that I did.
I try to make it a point to give thanks, to say 'bless you' when someone sneezes, and to offer a prayer when someone is in trouble.
The truth is that for the last several years, I don't know if these actions go past the top of my head.

When my dad died, I was so angry.  I felt that God had made a mistake and begged for him to correct it, for him to tell me why my dad was taken away.  I prayed that the dreams of my dad would stop and prayed at the same time that they never stop.
Needless to say, I didn't get an answer.  What I got was advice from my step mother to stop calling and to find a support group in my area.  I also got my husband (at the time) telling me that he couldn't be with me because I was depressed and that I needed to leave because he didn't want to be with me anymore.

It's all so confusing.  I used to know who I was, what I wanted, and I had my faith.  Even after all of that, even with all the questioning and raging to God, I still had hope that I would find my faith again.

Seven years later, I am losing hope.  Sometimes, I think that I can feel that faith in my heart, but mostly, I just feel lost.
I know my faith will find a home eventually.  Whether it is in God, Science, energy, Paganism, Buddhism, Hinduism, or some other idea of where I came from and more importantly WHY I am here...that part I don't know, it might be one of those, all of them, or maybe none of them.

In the meantime, I will be waiting patiently.

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